Since last Sunday I have been in the hospital due to personal complications that led to me needing to have a lot of tests and such. I was released on Monday. When I returned I relized my group of friends was not how i left it. Things had gone to hell and fast. My name was thrown around alot in all of this. I ahte to see my friends breaking apart and leaving I hate to see us not liking eachother over me. My little abd habits has caused this. Im sorry. I dont know what else to do. I know we cant change the past what has happened has happened life goes on. WE need to embrace the future because thats all thats left to look forward too. We have had so many good times in the past, but thats gone now. Things have changed and in the words of someone very wise ,"maybe it could possibly be for the better - maybe it is just a way to make things easier - somehow" Sooo in memory of the past... heres a shout out to all my girls the way were.

Laura: Hey girl. We've had a lot of good times, alot of fun we've danced we've laughed we've cried, and we have most certainly fought. Yet someone here we are still friends, still struggling to get through the hard times. Remember laying in the baseball field and watching the clouds go by? Dont you sometimes wish we could just reverse time go back and somehow just change what has happened over the years? I don't know whats going to happen between us, I dont know if we'll ever talk again or if we will ever have more memories to build, but I need you to know I have enjoyed the ones we have had and I love you girl.

Alicia: Alicia Alicia... def one of a kind. Best friend a girl could asks for. You know when to shut up, and when to listen. Youve been there for me since the day you bit me... You are an amazing girl and I dont know what I would do without you. Keep laughing and threatning jerks with the green hockey stick and the little green rubber band... it WILL come in handy some day... lol but yeah girl keep it up and no worries. YOU ROCK

Janet: Oh Janet, I havent known you that long... yet we still are wicked tight. I can just have fun with you with no worries of anything. You can always make me laugh when I'm down and you are just rocking girlie. Its amazing how you can know someone for years and never like them and know others for a minute and then you are friends in an instant. And you my dear where an instant friend... just add water? lol. okay well have a good day dear and dont let anyone get you down.

Destiny: Man we have had some fun times... So pysched for the crazy party this weekend.. lol. but yeah you allways have a word of wisdom and you make things make a little more sense in this world of craziness. I can always depend on you for a shoulder to cry on and a sarcastic word to make me laugh. Ive known you longer than anyone else im currently tight with allthough we havent kept in contact all thoes years, but im glad to have you back. Keep it up chickie.

Lora: Awe Lora... good times... remember the bitch lady from zones, and sleeping in a sink... what ever would i do without those memories... Youve been really supportive of me in my times of need and always there for a laugh. What more can I say you are another one of a kind chickie who jsut needs to keep smiling and trudging on.

Bailey: Remember that day you and I and Kaitlyne all went to Banff and you sucked the coke can cause it exploded. Doesnt that make you laugh? It sure does for me. I have no idea whats going to happen when I go to school tommorow. I dont know if we will ever talk again, I dont know whats going to happen. But frankly I am glad I have memories like that to laugh at and remember you by. So Bailey no matter what happens in the next 24 hours im glad ive had you as a friend and I have truley enjoyed your friendship.

So girls no matter waht happens.. I will always remember these past months, and years. The fun the laughter the road trips the plans fora bright future. I will never forget you or the thigns we've done. You all rock never forget it, never change and never turn to yesterday and hate it. Because our memories our happiest days our building blocks lie under those days. They are what keep us going in the stormy weather. You are what keeps me going during the dark night. I love you all.

Candice

Okay this afternoon I had a balst... Janet nor I where havign a good day so we went to dinner and had some great burgers allthough neither of us finished our dinner we where to disturbed by the waitress who was telling someone her whole life story loud enough that the enitre restraunt could hear... and lety me tell you she has some serious issues. lol.  Janet and I had fun though cause we like had issues with our buns which resulted in us switching the top portions of our hamburgewrs... dont ask but it worked.  So anywyas after that I decide that Janet nor i are happy enough so we need to go buy pajamas.  So we go to her house and we talk to her mom and i convice her that becasue " Janet is a sad panda she needs to be a happy panda, so to be a happy panda we need to paint her bathroom the hot pink of love and then go to walmart. So her mom lets us and we leave only after Janet has succesfully got the paint all over her buttoxs. amazing.  So we go to Walmart and wander until we find all of what we want whichc consists of tank and underwear for janet, a grumpy bear t-shirt for me, a pink purse, a book, and a random journal thingger. After that we decided we needed something to drink so we both head over to Mcdicks and get some water/ pop stuff. We then go to teh jean store and look at random thigns and then Janet drives me to my moms store.  But yes It was amazingly fun and yeah its gonna be freaking fun on thursday cause Lc and Janet and I are all chilling together before and after the dance that we all have been waiting forever for!!! Im sooo excitied cause we are gonna have balst and dance like tards... well not as much as we do at mormon dances. lol we have way too much fun with that.  Anywyas so im hosting after grad party for our friends at my house and its gonna be a blast.  I already have so much planned for it, allthough it will be expensive, but hey its the last time all of us are goign \to be able to all get together allthough i dont know if some peopel are going to come which makes me sad cause it feels like i dont know.  Whatever its okay. But yeah im like happy. Grads gonna be awesome, allthough i dont have a grad date yet and mom really wants me to have one and i have a ticket for him... who ever he may be.  I dont know im really stressed about it cause its making my life difficult . Oh well lifes a party might as well dance.  8insert insane Candice dance here*

Well i have to run dads being dad again ttyl

Candice

I dont have a lot to say... Havent been able to express how i feel recently so I just came to say hi and hope all you guys are doing great and nothing is going horribly sadly wrong with any of you.  Keep smiling! LOVE

ME

Hello All havent been on ehre for a while seeing as i was not at home... lol I was in the BIG city working all week from wednesday to saturday selling meat.  Fun eh? Actually it was great , it wasnt nearly as busy as i had hoped it would be but it was fun.  Bailey came and that was awesome, we just had a balst and laughed our butts off at the stupidest things ever. It was good. But yeah i totally missed everyone to peices.  I mean it was good to just get away but when you leave the majority of your friends for a while you realize how much they mean to you and how important they are to you.  They are the only peopel that will laugh with you not at  you when you make a fool of yourself.  They are the only ones that will pick you up when you are down and when they cant lift you they will lay down beside you and comfort you from that level.  Friends are the people that get you through not only the good but the worst of the worst.  They are the people that know all about oyu but they care anyways.  You know my whole life I havent really been as colse to my friends as I am now.  I trust them all with everything, they are jsut so great.  I dont know what i would do without htem.  I guess just not talking to any of them but Bay all week just made me see how important they really are.  They dont care what you do or who you do it with, all they care about is that your happy.  I dont know im jsut glad i have friends like you girls.  Have a great day

I'm writing this for me... I need a place ot get it all out all that ive keppt hidden inside of me for the past four years almost five.  Dont htink this is for attention dont pity me, just let me talk just let me get it all out. 

Ode To You

We were best friends. Every where i went I knew you would be there to protect me, take care f me, love me when no one else would. You never judged me, sure we fought we were siblings what do you expect. We had so much fun together.  Do you remember hte day I thought that no one would ever love me and you told me that somebody would so lucky to have a girl as specail as your little sister? Do you remember the time i bribed you into cleaning by giving you alone time with your girlfriend?  Do you remember when you read me stories when I was a little kid?  Do you remember the time you followed me home without me knowing to make sure the bullies wouldnt beat me up? Do you remember when we made a fort in the trees behind the house using mom's best table cloth? Do you remember when we would go for walks around town? Do you remember your promises to me? Do you remember all the fun we had?  Do you remember the time that you were irratating me so i bite your face...? Do you remember the time my cat jumped out of the roof at you?  Do you remember the night before you left when you told me you loved me?  Do you remember?

When you left me, your family, did you think of those times?  Did you think of all the fun we had?  Did you think of the hole you would leave in the family? Did you think of mom and dad? Did you realize that we loved you more than life itself?  Did you THINK at all ?

I dont think you did. Cause if you had you'dde still be here, my older brother, my protecter, my best friend. I love you. But i need to say goodbye finally.  Farewell my friend.

Well Karmas was ablast i havent had so much fun in a long time.  It was totally the break i needed.. We didnt do much but we were able to just hang out and enjoy life and have fun and just be cousins again and sisters and friends.  It was the best weekend ever.  I havent laughed that much in a long time.

But now to a new topic.  I think today i hurt one of my friends feelings by trying to protect her, and well i feel awful I certainly didnt mean to. This girl is amazingly awesome and sweet and yeah.  So if you read this im sorry.  I didnt mean to hurt you, I trust your judgement and do whatever you think is right okay?

New topic.. again.... The play that im directing is coming along slowly at first but it is, I'm so proud of Bailey for not being an actress she is doing an amazing job!!! shes totally doing her lines and just wow im so happy!!!! Its great, some of the other girls arent sooo great but eh its coming and thats all that matters right?  I mean life is a highway i wanna ride it all night long.... BADDADING BADDA BOOM!!!!! im so bored.... I'm noteven sure what im saying.

Okay the last topic for the day I think.  Dont you absolutley hate it when people mess with you they tell you one thign and then act totally different.  dont you hate it when you think somethign is so pure and good unly to find out hte inside is corrupt and evil and dirty and dank.  Dont you ahte it when you try so hard to be good to be ahppy to be perfect only to fail over and over again driving those you car about the most away from you?  dont you hate it when life slaps you across the face one to many times leaving permenat marks on your soul?  Dont you hate it when you smile yet your crying inside?  Dont oyu hate being a teenager?

Im incrediably excited for tommorow.  I get to go to my dear cousin karmas house and spend the night.  Okay this normally would not be as exciting as it is but i havent seen her since christmas and because I need a break and Karma makes me happy it will rock.  And like i dont know hot college boys!! how much better than that can you get.  Im just soo happy i mean, its gonna be great!!! Except I have to ride the yucky greyhound bus at 7:30 in the morning.  Thats first thing in the morning on a saturday. Yuck!!! oh well Im still extremlly happy.  So today was okay.  I got the best note from JAnet ever like it cracked me up and made me just die with the sad panda meter.  Geez that was a random note but it defiantly earned itself a spot on the door of fame. Lol.  It is a freaking sexy door.  Well it would be if the freaking pictures would stay on the door. Lol! Gah stupid door of fame that hates me.  Well anyways Im waiting to hear from college to see if i got in and im like SOOOO excited.  I hope so abd that i got in and like the program that i want is Specail Needs Teacher Assitant.  And so yeah thats gonna be cool cause I love helping those people.  Like the other day i taught Kylie how to add.  Shes older than me yet i could give her something that will last her for the rest of her life.  Being able to add. Like that just made me soooo proudof her, I was jsut overjoyed.  It waas amazing when I saw that light click and she was doing it without help, without a calcualtor but with her own skills.  It was just amazingly awesome.  Just AWE SO AWESOME!  But yeah so that would be awesome if I got in! I even already have a room mate and everything.  Oh its scary thinking that life is knocking at my door and i just have to answer it or run away!! and i dont think running away works real good.  Im soooo odd. like on crack weird... "I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose" Hehehe i found that quote today it was rock awesome.  My dads watching Dawn of the dead.  And everyone knows i dont do good with the creepiness of horror and AHHHHHHHHHH! The Bastard bear is going to get me.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  Okay im done and im gone.  Have a great night and well dont eat the pickles in the back of the fridge!!!!! ~ way to go Des.

You think thats everythings allright, that your life is finally on the right tract.  But then someone says something so innocently and it spins you out of control all that was normal and right is now dippind diving, dying. You thought you were whole again, but guess what they freaking lied.  They told you the pain would leave, that everything would be okay, but its not and it never will be.  Some people say get over it, its long gone your a wuss, you just want attention pity.  But its not gone it haunts my every movment my every breath.  It follows me waiting to pounce to kill.  They told me I would be okay, but they lied.  Your life that was pure and happy un scathed by the world is full of hate anger, abuse, frustration, emotions that take control of your mind your soul your heart.  Emotions that make you want to cry and run and hide. Emotions that tear apart everythign you were and replace that sweet young girl with an old bitter Hag. You fall into a hole that nothing, anywhere will ever be able to pull you out of. You live a life without really living.  Each day is lived in hopes of making it through without crying without needing emptiness.  Is that to much to ask for? Emptiness.  No light, no darkness, no sounds, no hurt, no love, no emotions just pure emptiness, pure nothingness.  No tears, no joy, no pain, no sorrow, no ANYTHING! I Cant deal with everything anymore.  I just want to close my eyes and see nothing. Not air not wind not fire. Not life not death. You think im crazy, you think that i dont know what i want.  You tell me it  will be okay, you tell me its just a phase. I finally understand you say these things beause you fear the thing i want the most.

All I want is nothing, All I need is nothing.  All I ask for is nothing.

So today I didnt make it to school cause i somehow managed to pull my back and I couldnt walk very nicely and was racked wit hsome serious amounts of pain.  But its all godd casue I'm feeling alot alot better.  So yeah im in a really weird mood Im not even sure whats going on in my head.  Dont oyu hate it when you have all this conflicting emotions and you dont know what the heck is going on all you know is that your head is goiong to go BOOM. i mean i try to be nice to people and then in return they spread rumours about me. I mean how freaking fair is that.  Am i mean person? Seriously? Am i just a jerk or what? Im so hurt.  I dont see myself as a mean person but maybe I am maybe im a complete jerk and no one has told me yet.  Or maybe the people who have called me such thins in tha past were right.  Maybe I am just a selfish beast! I try so hard to be a nice person, but lately ive been a little harsher than i used to because I as sick of being walked on.  Is that what being mean is.. Standing up for yourself?  Cause if it is I dont know maybe i should just go back to who i used to be.  If that is me.  Oh my gosh i am sooo confused.  And hurt.  i wish i could just be doen highschool. I wish i could just know the truth is I am an officail jerk or not.  I mean  sorry im ranting ttyl

Today I walk a path

Different from each one of you.

We've laughed

and cried,

and shared our dreams.

Everything we've done, we've done together,

Faced our monsters,

and fought our fears.

Now we stand cap and gown in place.

A smile on our faces.

A tear in our hearts.

Congrats, my friends

Today is the day

the day we leave

childhood.

So yeah this poem SUCKS!!!!!!!  but i guess what I was trying to say is Im gonna miss all of you guys once we leave Highschool... only a few more months and then well we wont be seeing eachother a lot anymore.  you guys are the best friends a girl could ask for and Ill miss you.  Smile.  Luv ya lots

Candice